Some people are lucky enough to be born in the right place at the right time. Others, like me, have to find their way home.
I was born early, two weeks before I was expected, on a cold afternoon in a cold state. My father’s family had lived in Northern California for generations, putting roots straight down like trees. My mother’s folk were flighty people, they had come from Kentucky, but it wasn’t long before they migrated again, this time to a place that I had heard of only in Snoopy cartoons: the Sonoran Desert. My grandparents were called snowbirds the first time they went, the second time, they called Arizona home.
My mom got handwritten letters in the mail, pages and pages wrapped around photographs of my grandparents in front of innumerable cacti in an oddly sunny land. My sister and I received postcards of starkly red mountains, impossibly blue skies, and fiercely alien cacti with impossibly beautiful flowers. Even on the coldest days, when my mom had to run to the mailbox huddled under her pink flowered raincoat, I remember the postcards being warm to the touch.
The first time we visited, we drove. We went down the highway in the night, a tiny minivan spaceship on the surface of the Earth, following the birds south. My mother taped a thermometer to the dashboard, and we watched the red mercury rise like an odometer as it slowly grew warm, like driving into the sun.
We visited twice more before my dad found a job in Phoenix. The date he gave us was right before my eighth birthday. I wasn’t sure how to explain to my best friend that the next time I went to Arizona, I wouldn’t be coming back. My mom helped me write cards with my new address to give to my classmates, and I watched from my bedroom window as my dad, in an effort to make our house more appealing to buyers, chopped down the tree in our front yard.
It wasn’t raining the last time we pulled out of our driveway, but I was crying so hard I wouldn’t have noticed anyway. Wherever we lived after this, I thought, it would only be a place. It wouldn’t be familiar, or comforting, or welcoming. I would never be at home again.
The apartment we moved into was a cramped and crowded affair, a place intended more for newlyweds and persistent bachelors than a family of four. My sister and I butted heads sharing a room for the first time, and my mother bruised her elbows adjusting to our tiny nook of a kitchen. Used to an endless backyard, I scuffed my toes on the tiny patio and seethed. Could I really live here? I had to wear sunscreen every day, even though it was winter. We had to shake our shoes out before putting them on, in case of scorpions.
Our reprieve came every weekend, when we drove from Phoenix to Chandler, to visit my grandparents and stretch our cramped limbs. My parents could sit at the table without jostling elbows while my sister and I ran and ran and ran around the backyard.
We had started looking at model houses almost before we unpacked our apartment. Our real estate agent, Jim, was the first person we met. He came every other week, bringing folders thick with paper and two packs of gum in my favorite flavor. Mute with homesickness, I resented any kindness, and turned my nose up at attempts to win me over. At every open house we visited, every housing development we toured, I stubbed up to the point where I could hardly be coaxed over the threshold. None of these houses were my home, and I wanted nothing to do with them.
Eventually, it got to the point where my parents wanted nothing to do with me in such a state, and gratefully left me sulking on the driveway while they opened kitchen cabinets and divided square footage. Jim had quit smoking years ago, but he still felt the need to take “no-cigarette breaks,” as he called them, in which he would step outside for a spell and simply breathe deeply. During one such break, while I was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, too proud to cry and too upset to hide it, he remarked to me that, as this was going to be my house too, I ought to put in my say about it.
I can’t say it made me miss my old home any less, or made me love Arizona any more, but I did realize, for the first time, that from now on, I belonged here. Right before my parents bought our new house, we stood in a circle on the driveway and when it came to me, I was the fourth person to say “yes.”
A week before we were supposed to move in, my dad got a call from his sister: their mother had had a heart attack, and we needed to come. My dad bundled my mother, sister, and I onto a plane to California with plans to follow as soon as he could. It was raining when we landed, and perhaps that was why nothing looked familiar. California from the inside of a taxi looked even less familiar, and by the time we arrived at the hospital, I was bewildered. The next three days were a blur of hospital and hotel. I offered to read to my grandma, but she wanted to hear about me: did I know what school I was going to next fall? What color had I decided to paint my new room? By the time the doctors decided she was going to fine, she and I had decided on a pale mint green; perfect, she said, a color for a young lady to grow up to.
We left the day she checked out. I wanted to stay longer, but she consoled me with a promise to visit me as soon as I had finished painting. I made her pinky swear, and then, for the first time, I went home to Arizona.
Labels: Arizona Is My Home